I recently changed my relationship with kitchen cleanup by trading my I Have To lenses for a pair of I Get To lenses.

Growing up, dealing with the post-meal mess was an I Have To experience–an assigned chore that often felt like a punishment–and sometimes was. Boring and repetitive, it ate up sooooo much time and ripped me away from more exciting activities (like reruns of Gilligan’s Island or skateboarding). I hated it.

Over the next 40 years my feelings remained relatively unchanged. It was something that had to be done, but I despised the process. During much of that time I was freed from the bulk of kitchen cleanup by Tasha, my wife. She didn’t feel my efforts met her standards and banned me from tasks like filling the dishwasher. Still, I despised the kitchen cleanup tasks I did do and know my negative attitude was part of the reason I didn’t measure up to her standards when it came to things like dishwasher Tetris.

Our schedules have changed and her expectations have softened–so I’m now in charge of kitchen cleanup. I decided to embrace this new duty and play with altering my kitchen-cleanup mindset. I was tired of feeling grouchy and put-upon while engaged in this must-do task. I also hoped that a more positive (or even more neutral) mindset would improve the speed and quality of my work.

To make this shift I traded out my I Have To lenses for I Get To lenses.

This lens change was a way of editing the story I was telling myself about kitchen duty.

With I Have To lenses, tasks are seen as obligations, chores, mandated activities, and burdens. An I Have To outlook generates internal resistance.

I Get To lenses, shift things slightly. Tasks that once felt like burdens seem lighter and easier to manage. The internal resistance fades. Obligations feel more like opportunities. With this in mind, I mentally outlined the opportunities I saw through the new lenses. For example, I now saw:

• An opportunity to walk into an organized and tidy kitchen when it’s time to make a meal.
• An opportunity to feel like I’m pulling my own weight after Tasha handled the brunt of this task for so many years.
• An opportunity to feel like I’ve accomplished something instead of feeling put-upon and burdened.

We interpret everything we see or hear in terms of our habitual thinking or prior experience. As we go about our day-to-day lives, we tell a story about reality, and these stories shape our beliefs

Choose Your Feelings: How attitude shapes our feelings

Over the last six months, kitchen cleanup has transitioned from something I viscerally dreaded to a near-meditative process. It no longer feels like a chore.

It seems to take less time. I think that’s partially due to my changed mindset, but also do to the fact that I’m more efficient because of the new mindset. It turns out all the excuse-making, delaying the process, whining, and feeling put-upon sucked up a lot of time.

I think I’ve also upped my cleanup game, paying closer attention to details. (We’ll see what Tasha says when she proofreads this post.) [Let it be known throughout the land that The High Priestess Of Household Cleaning Standards decrees the quality of my work has improved.]

I Get To vs I Have To With Children

Now, let us make the leap to early learning and parenting.

There are plenty of repetitious, unexciting, monotonous child-related tasks that almost invite us to wear I Have To lenses. These will very from person to person, but changing diapers, tying shoes, and wiping snot from the same runny nose four and a half dozen times a day are a few that pop to mind.

Beyond that, there are activities that rankle us into popping on the old I Have To lenses for very personal reasons. For example, some preschool teachers grab those lenses when confronted with water play, sensory play, rough and tumble play, or other activities they personally dislike.

I’m sure you know where this is going: Change Your Lenses.

Choose to stop seeing these things as obligations, chores, and burdens. Let go of the internal resistance. Look through I Get To lenses and see the opportunities these tasks create for you and the children in your care.

It’s not easy. It takes effort and practice. You may never fall in love with the task.

Switching lenses shifts your perspective just enough to lighten the load and change your outlook a little. This changes how you experience the activity. But beyond that, it changes the child’s experience. For example, a diaper change with a Have To lensed adult is a down-to-business-get-the-job-done transaction while a diaper change with a Get To lensed adult is an unhurried time for eye contact, conversation, and relationship building. Both result in a fresh-bottomed baby, but the former lacks the human connection of the latter.

Children are incredibly receptive to the moods of their adult caregivers–and respond accordingly. Their emotional states are tied to those of their adult caregivers. Changing your lenses impacts their experience as well as yours–put-upon and grouchy adults lead to put-upon and grouchy children.