Playful aggression—like grappling, pushing, punching, and kicking—offers children meaningful opportunities to grow in all five developmental domains.

The drive to engage in such play is inborn. Children take part in such play because it benefits their development. The drive is so strong that even when playful aggression is prohibited, kids still engage in it, willing to suffer the consequences for breaking the rules.

Interestingly, this drive to play aggressively extends beyond humans; young mammals such as puppies, kittens, deer, and bear cubs also participate in playful aggression to develop survival skills, build resilience, and strengthen social bonds.

Yet, with all its developmental benefits, such play is often restricted or forbidden in early learning settings since it appears violent and chaotic on its surface, especially to the untrained eye.

One reason for the restrictions is that the adults in charge see playful aggression as violent. Another is the view that intense physical activity is dangerous and likely to cause harm.

Below, I’ll address these concerns and then dig into playful aggression’s developmental benefits.

The Appearance Of Violence

Superhero play, weapons play, rough-and-tumble play, and other forms of playful aggression may look violent at first glance. In fact, children may go to great lengths to make such play look and sound violent. (“I’m going to kill you!”, “Rip out her guts!”, “There’s so much blood squirting out!”) But looks are deceiving; playful aggression is not violent.

It’s essential to distinguish between playful aggression and violence, which is pretty simple: Violence involves an intent to harm, while playful aggression does not. Playful aggression is a consensual act. The participants choose to be engaged in the activity. It looks violent, but isn’t.

A group of three-year-old playmates agreeing to rough house with each other while pretending to be superheroes is playful aggression. Child A walking up to child B and punching him in the face is a violent act. In the first example, there is no intent to cause harm, and there is consent. In the second example, there is no consent and intent to cause harm.

Seeing beyond surface appearances and recognizing these distinctions allows adults to support healthy, playful aggression.

Mitigating Hazards

While there is no intent to cause harm when engaged in playful aggression, accidents do happen. There is a chance children will get injured when involved in playful aggression, but you can say that about almost any activity. I remember a child who fell while painting at an easel and bloodied her chin. She was a lanky four-year-old who sometimes tripped over her ungainly giraffe legs while trying to stand still. Injuries happen. Children are active doers of things that have not mastered their bodies; bumps, bruises, scratches, and scrapes will happen.

A danger is something that may cause harm, a hazard is a danger that is not easily seen or predicted, and a risk is an informed choice to do something that may or may not cause harm.

The job of adults supporting playfully aggressive activities must understand that their primary job is to mitigate potential hazards and help kids make thoughtful choices about the risks they take. This is as simple as dedicating a space for such activity and/or creating some basic rules of engagement.

When it comes to safety rules, kids should lead their creation. Kids who desire to play aggressively also tend to wish not to get hurt or feel pain. We humans are wired for self-preservation and risk aversion. Kids will suggest rules like “Let’s not hit or kick faces,” ” Or Privates–that hurts,” “How about NO PINCHING,” or “There should be no scratching, my cat scratched me, and scratches hurt.” Adults can help kids build rules around respecting consent.

Another hazard mitigation strategy is attentive observation of the play in an effort to spot kids slipping from playful to angry aggression, stepping in when Play Face begins to turn to I Want To Eat You Face.

The Developmental Benefits

Here’s a closer look at how this type of play promotes learning and growth in the 5 developmental domains:

Physical Development

Playful aggression hones essential physical skills in both children and animals:

Building Strength And Coordination

Children develop stronger muscles and refine motor skills through activities like mock fighting or wrestling. Playfully aggressive activities often support heavy work, any activity that pushes or pulls against the body or involves carrying. In such play, children generate force and defy gravity.

Enhancing Balance And Spatial Awareness

Wrestling, tumbling, and pushing teach children how their bodies move in relation to others, improving spatial awareness.

Sensory Integration

Physically aggressive play activates at least 6 of the 8 sensory systems:

• Visual System—Tracking movements during playful interactions
• Tactile System—Receiving tactile feedback through contact
• Auditory System—Listening to the voices and other auditory cues of playmates as well as other sounds in the environment
• Proprioceptive System—Understanding body position and movement
• Vestibular System—Maintaining balance during dynamic play
• Interoceptive System—Monitoring internal feedback like breathing and temperature during energetic play

Although they may not play a significant role, the olfactory and gustatory systems are never shut down and are often involved in such play. For example, I recall the taste and smell of backyard dirt and lawn, moist from the morning dew, during many summertime wrestling battles. (I guess victory and defeat’s flavor and aroma were also always in the air.)

Communicative Development

Aggressive play enhances communication skills:

Building Language Skills

This type of play tends to come with a lot of conversation, allowing kids to build their vocabulary and practice the give-and-take of interpersonal communication.

Reading Body Language

Observing subtle cues, like Play Face and I Want To Eat You Face, teaches children to gauge others’ feelings and adjust their behavior. Kittens learn similar skills by interpreting their peers’ movements and reactions during play. These skills are used day in and day out over the course of a lifetime.

Social-Emotional Development

Playful aggression strengthens social bonds and helps children navigate relationships:

Learning Self-Control

Children practice adjusting their strength and timing, improving their ability to regulate their actions. Kids also learn inhibition by experiencing their playmates’ reactions, which teaches them to moderate their play.

Learning Consent And Boundaries

Children discover the importance of mutual agreement on the rules for their play. They also learn to stop or adjust play when a peer signals discomfort. Reading social cues is a big part of play, such as understanding a playmate’s gasp and altered expression signals “too rough.”

Practicing Cooperation

Among other things, successful play requires trust and collaboration. Children have to learn the give-and-take of engaging with other people, something learned through real-life experiences. It takes a lot of practice and a lot of repetition. Playfully aggressive activities are ideal for gaining such practice since they often involve a heightened emotional state.

Cognitive Development

Playful aggression sharpens problem-solving and strategic thinking skills:

Problem-Solving Practice

This type of play is full of opportunities for children to practice solving real-world problems in real-time as they work to keep the play going. Sometimes, it’s social problem-solving (“How do I convince Kim to battle with me?”); other times, it is logistical problem-solving (“What can we hit each other with that won’t hurt too much?”)

Understand Cause-And-Effect Relationships

Children learn how their actions affect others and adjust their behavior to keep play going. They also learn much about cause-and-effect relationships as they propel their bodies through space and push their physical limits.

Strategic Thinking And Anticipation

Mock fighting challenges children to anticipate their partner’s moves and plan their responses. There is a lot of strategizing during wrestling matches.

Adaptive Development

Playful aggression equips children to handle real-world challenges and navigate life:

Building Resilience

Children learn to adapt to unexpected setbacks and grapple with unpredictable situations, fostering emotional resilience.

Learning Limits

Children explore their physical and social boundaries when playing aggressively, building confidence and adaptability. Playful sparring is preparatory for adult competitions.

Building Survival Skills

Playful aggression helps young animals practice vital behaviors, such as hunting, defending territory, or evading predators. These activities prepare children to handle daily life’s physical and social challenges in constructive ways.

Practical Tips for Adults

Here are some basic tips for supporting such play:

• Set Clear Boundaries—Ensure children understand the importance of consent and the agreed-upon rules for their play
• Supervise Play—Observe interactions closely to ensure they remain safe and enjoyable
• Model Appropriate Behavior—Show children how to engage in safe, respectful physical interactions

Playful Aggression Wrap-Up

Playful aggression fosters growth across all 5 developmental domains. Although the aesthetics of such play may look violent, and there are safety concerns, it turns out that playful hitting, punching, pushing, and wrestling are developmentally beneficial. By providing safe opportunities for such play, caregivers help children develop skills that will help them thrive.

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