Despite its animated appearance, rough and tumble play is not violent. To adult observers, it may look violent, it may sound violent, and it may ‘feel’ violent to them, but if it is play, it is not violent.

Although rough and tumble play is not violent, energetic scenes of children engaged in what appears to be intense, aggressive play can be disconcerting for many parents and professional caregivers. They feel driven, even obligated, to stop, curtail, or forbid such play.

This post aims to help readers better understand the dynamics at play during these lively childhood moments. Looking into the nuanced difference between violent-looking play and genuine aggression is crucial.

Unpacking The Appearance Of Violence

Rough and tumble play, as defined here, encompasses a range of physical activities that might give off the appearance of violence. Wrestling, playful fighting, chasing, superhero play, and other forms of power play can look intense.

I admit, a pair of preschoolers rolling around on the floor and throwing punches as they glare at each other does look violent. Heck, such play even sounds violent. I once heard a four-year-old girl yell to friends, “Help, that vampire just ripped out my guts. I’m eviscerated! Revenge me!” while pointing at a playmate.

Our eyes and ears, however, can deceive us. Children at play can be excellent actors. Their actions, reactions, and vocalizations seem almost real.

Combine children’s impeccable acting chops with the fact that adults do not always observe what kids are up to closely enough to pick up nuance, and things can get confusing. (Check out these observation tools I’ve created. They’re helpful in conducting more systematic and focused observations of children’s activities.)

Play violence is easily mistaken for actual violence, making it likely that a busy parent or caregiver will glance across the room and think, “Victoria is punching Jackson. I better stop it.” It’s crucial, however, to differentiate between the visual impression and the actual nature of the play itself.

Defining Violence

Generally, intentional harm, injury, or hostile motives characterize violence. In the context of rough and tumble play, children engaging in these activities do not have a desire to harm or cause injury. Instead, they are exploring their physical boundaries, honing their social skills, and reaping the many benefits of such play.

Rough and tumble play is not violent because play is inherently nonviolent. A primary goal of those involved in play is to keep the activity moving forward. The villagers must continue fighting the evil dragon. The Batman must continue chasing Joker and Riddler. The Ninja Turtles must continue upending Shredder’s evil plans.

Actual violence brings an end to play; it stops the action. A pretend punch leads to a pretend kick or blocking move. A real punch leads to tears or a more forceful punch.

Intent And Consent

Rough and tumble play is not violent because of intent and consent. Children involved in rough and tumble play do so voluntarily, deriving joy and learning from the experience. They intend to enjoy a self-selected interaction with peers. The absence of malicious motives is a crucial factor in distinguishing this form of play from genuine violence.

Consent is crucial in maintaining the nonviolent nature of children’s rough and tumble play. Batman chose to chase Joker. The eviscerated girl chose to face off with the vampire in its castle. When there’s consent among those involved in the rough and tumble, it’s play.

It’s not play when Grayson, pretending to be a ninja, sneaks up on unsuspecting Oliver, busy painting a picture, and spin-kicks him in the chest. That’s an act of violence. Oliver didn’t consent to such an engagement.

Consent, I want to note, can be withdrawn at any time. Sometimes, a child is simply ready to move on to another activity. Oliver decided to stop being a ninja and become a painter, for example. Children may also withdraw consent when the play becomes too intense, physically or emotionally.

Understanding the significance of consent from an early age sets the groundwork for establishing boundaries and empathy, contributing to healthy relationships throughout their lives.

Watch For Play Face

Play Face is the open, inviting, and engaged look of a person interested in keeping the play rolling. Children exhibiting it tend to have wide, soft, and alert eyes, a friendly and inviting expression, and the glimmer of a smile. Raised brows and a slight tilt of the head may also be noticeable.

I Want To Eat You Face is the opposite. It expresses real aggression and anger. It’s usually accompanied with a combination of narrowed eyes, a furrowed brow, a scrunched face, exposed teeth, or a tightly closed mouth. A shift from Play Face to I Want To Eat You Face can signal that consent has been revoked, and that play violence may soon be replaced by real violence.

More on the topic in the posts linked to in the following image carousel:

Supervision And Intervention

While kids three or so and up can generally manage rough and tumble play independently, appropriate supervision is essential. Rough and tumble play is not violent, and to keep it that way, caregivers should ensure that play remains consensual. This usually involves reading body language—keeping an eye on everyone’s Play Face.

Interruptions should be infrequent and as unintrusive as possible, only occurring when a situation escalates beyond the children’s agreed-upon boundaries. Abruptly interrupting the play disrupts its flow and the positive experiences it provides.

Adults can also assist kids in establishing the rules of engagement, if the children don’t have a lot of experience doing so, by helping them think through what should and should not be allowed during their rough and tumble engagements. Kids are pretty good at this because they tend to know what hurts, and they don’t want to get hurt. They suggest sensible rules like:

• “Let’s not punch in the face.”
• “How about no pinching? Pinching hurts.”
• “No pulling hair.”
• “No scratching.“
• “No hitting or kicking in the privates!”
• “Big kids can only fight on their knees.”

With some basic help guiding communication, seeking agreement, and navigating the social and emotional side of things, most kids can navigate rough and tumble play without Play Face turning into I Want To Eat You Face. Such adult support promotes safer rough and tumble play and instills valuable interpersonal life skills.

Rough And Tumble Play Is Not Violent Wrap-Up

Parents and caregivers must understand that, despite its appearance, rough and tumble play is not violent. Despite its seemingly rowdy nature, rough and tumble play continues to offer numerous benefits to children. From physical development and social skill enhancement to emotional regulation and problem-solving, the positive outcomes associated with this type of play persist.

By appreciating the distinction between visual intensity and actual violence, we can create environments that allow children to explore, learn, and develop healthily and constructively. Say it with me: Rough and tumble play is not violent, rough and tumble play is not violent, rough and tumble play is not violent…

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