…“Good job!” isn’t a description; it’s a judgment. And that has unsettling implications for how children are likely to perceive how we feel about them. Instead of “I love you,” what praise may communicate is “I love you because you’ve done well.” It’s not necessary for us to say that in so many words— which, of course, almost no one does. All that’s required is that we do it—that is, express love and show excitement only under certain conditions. (By the same token, love withdrawal often takes place even though the parent doesn’t actually say , “I don’t love you because you haven’t done well.” In both cases, the message comes through loud and clear anyway.)
Quote ID: 00992
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